I survived!

It has been one crazy week. So crazy that I wish I could have bypassed it all {With the exception of Saturday Date Night}I've said it many times, that I was half tempted to ask the hospital to put me in a medically induced coma, because I have never felt this far off my rocker. Any and every little thing each day was a struggle. I questioned things that should've been left alone, I cried, begged, cried, screamed, cried, you get the picture.

It all started on Monday when I had to drive to Indianapolis to pick up Lexi & Bailey from  their Christmas visit with their grandparents. Busie had told me what bad weather they were supposed to get. All was clear when we left for the trip. I took A.J to Lindsays, and traded her for Dan's son Quinn. He & Bailey are the best of friends, and I knew that Bailey would enjoy the trip back much more if Quinn was along for the ride. Which means a quieter car ride. The farther north we drove, the more and more snow we saw on the ground surrounding us. However roads were clear & driveable. I checked on Char & Ted's progress, she said that they were still ok. They like us hit bouts of bad weather. It was almost like the wind was in one spot blowing snow in a blizzard like fashion. 300 feet later, clear as day. I didn't really give much thought to it because we hadn't been blessed with a hint of snow yet this season, really didn't think it was going to turn out like it did. Here's some pictures that my aspiring photographer daughter Lex snapped on the way through.

Our first encounter with a snowband.

Then it was clear again.

 
I'm sure you all read the post about the car accident that we slid through. I had never in my life been so scared. One other car besides myself got through this tangled mess. You can read the story and watch video here. We were on 465 East by Mann Road. I feel so blessed, honestly, and truthfully. Call it whatever you want but I'll call it divine intervention. We had some prayers going up that day.


If Monday wasn't enough for my already sleep deprived body. I finished taking down all my Christmas decorations when we got home, and got to bed late. Only for Tuesday to come and start my hell for the remainder of the week. Bailey missed the bus everyday except Friday because we didn't wake up in time. Definitely a hard adjusting week. I think were getting a little closer to being back to normal. Our schedules are getting back on track. I'm finally feeling well enough to brave going out into the world, and not shacked up in my house. I have chosen not to leave for the fear that I would sub-come to my nicotine addiction, thus putting me into a depression because I hadn't seen the outside except to drive to work for 2 days. So it is now day 6, still not smoking. I am going longer and longer without patches. I still crave them oh so bad. It's one minute at a time, as long as I can get past each minute, I'm that much closer. I still need prayers, because it's far from over. I feel like I get weaker each day, instead of getting stronger. It should be the other way around, shouldn't it? However, I choose this. I will do this. If not for the kids & I, for all the ones that doubted I could. You should see the smile I get thinking about it.

Also this week on a happy note, my dear Jeff & Chris had their little baby Peyton. She joins her two bigger sisters, Lorelie & Abby. Little Peyton was the first born at the hospital on the New Year!

Condolences to Matt & Tracey for the loss of Matt's dad this week. I'm thinking about you guys. RIP Dennis.

I take away from this week, that in a drop of a dime, your life can change, for the good for the bad. Make sure you let everyone know what they mean to you. Take time to make someone smile. Take time to do something for someone else. Enjoy your life and the people in it. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I'll take the time now to tell you all, I LOVE YOU!!!

 1 John 4:7  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-love-25-awesome-scripture-quotes/#ixzz1iyRNR3Qu

After the last cigarette..

Quitting smoking is something that I have thought about, and attempted to do for years. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is harder than four pregnancy's, four births, a lot of broken hearts, death. It is hard. The cigarette was there for me through all of my tough moments, and we undoubtedly became good friends.

When I was younger, cigarettes were cool. They were the thing that the kids and I hung out did. I started a very early age. Even though I am not that old, and my children will disagree, when i thought about it, I have been smoking for 15 years. Almost half my life. Every year I would notice that I was going to the doctor more and more for breathing related illnesses, bronchitis, chest colds, sinus infections, etc. It was a nasty addiction that I am not proud of. Its not a habit, its an ADDICTION. People who smoke are ADDICTS! Whether we want to call ourselves that or not, it is exactly what we are. My kids have begged me for years to quit. I am afraid to admit that when I've seen stories of parents who are addicted to drugs, and how their children are neglected when these parents chose the substance over the children. I judged them, I said mean things about them, I even called them bad parents. I've seen first hand how children are affected by someone who is addicted to a substance, whether being drugs or alcohol. I have yelled, cussed, cried, begged, pleaded, intervened, acted a complete fool begging him to quit because he was affecting the kids, and he was going to die, and how could he choose this over his children,  etc.  I was always so critical of these parents, thinking "how in the world can they continue to hurt their children over and over?" "How are these kids ever going to have a fighting chance to sit here (craving..breathing) become anything in the future when they're faced with this kind of childhood?" Well here's what I just realized. My kids were children of an addict. Fortunately for us, I was addicted to something that was legal. The drug of my choice.. tobacco. It is a drug that still hurt them (secondhand smoke), it is a drug that took away money from our household, and it is a drug that would eventually kill me. For whatever reason, I always rationalized it to make (craving...) it okay. Not anymore. 

Within the last few months, I have attempted to attempt to try to quit smoking. I went to the doctor for medication, I read articles. I set 3 or 4 quit dates. I started taking meds, stopped taking them. Always with an excuse on why I still continued to smoke. It ranged from being mad that insurance wouldn't cover my chantix RX, to kids stress me out, I forgot to take my medicine. You name it, I had an excuse for it. I dreaded going on field trips because I couldn't smoke, I almost missed my plane in NY because I had to go smoke. I dreaded any and everything that prevented me from having a cigarette at my own leisure. I was a slave to it. Completely and 100%. It ruled my life. It made me miss valuable memories and chances, just so I could walk somewhere and have my addiction fed. 

Tuesday morning, I noticed that I only had two cigarettes left. I was busy trying to take my Christmas decorations down, and didn't want to get dressed to go to the gas station. So I put it off and put it off. About the time I was ready for my last and final cigarette of the pack, I went to the living room and grabbed my purse. On the television was the show, " The Dr's". (big craving.............) I watched this clip here --->The Dr's 1//3/2012. It really grabbed my attention, and I felt like it was a sign. I had one cigarette left, no desire to go buy more, besides to feed my addiction to them, so I decided instead of setting some far off quit date, that I 'd more than likely smoke right through, I'd quit right after that last cigarette. Thus starting my new life as a non smoker. Like I had mentioned, I was ready, I felt like I really was. I hated everything about smoking, except for what it did for my body. It was my best friend. However like with fake friends, sometimes its better to just part ways. So to my little nasty "best friend" although I will have a hard time getting over you, I am completely done with you. Our relationship has ruined so much of my life, to much for me to ever get back. You will not control my future. You are nothing to me anymore. I have changed so many aspects of my life, and I am happy. Your the last thing that needs to leave my life so I can fully move on to my new one. Sayonara!

Here's how my path has went thus far.

Tuesday- Went from 10am-5pm with no smoking. Then went to my sisters house, who smokes, and bummed one from her. Went from 5pm Tuesday until 3pm Thursday with no cigarette. None, not one puff. I did breathing techniques, asked my dear to rub my neck, drank umpteen bottles of water  through straws (it really has helped me). I was hurting, I cried, begged, prayed for some kind of break from the cravings my body was experiencing. However, at hour 45, I was struggling the worst. I forgot things, and at multiple times in the day,I wasn't sure I could tell you what my name was. It was my first day back to work, and with a whole lot of stressors, I broke down. I took two puffs off a cigarette and vomited. I had the worst stomach ache. I was pissed off at myself for undoing 45 hours of not smoking. I was mad that I cracked, and that I let useless people be my excuse for doing so. I am accountable. I chose to break. However I have decided that I can choose not to break again. Ever since my self given ass whippin from breaking, I have not had the desire to smoke. Now don't get me wrong, I still have those tings of anxiety where I feel the need to go smoke, you can see the cravings I've had while typing this by seeing (craving.....). I however don't have the manipulating mind thoughts where Im so desperate that I will find someone or something or some reason to just smoke one. I'm no longer thinking about it. However my body reminds me still, but less and less, that it isn't yet free of the drug. But I for the first time will beat this. No matter what comes my way, I will chose to be a non smoker. I don't want to miss anymore memories. Especially since my life is now filled with the people that I want to make memories with.  Today is Friday and it has been about 50 hours since i decided to be a non smoker, and even though I had a minor setback, my only one...I will introduce  you to me, I'm Amber, the non smoker.