Mommy where's Daddy?

One thing I don't think that I will ever be be able to fully understand is the choice of a man to be absent from his childrens lives. As a mother I could not imagine going several days without seeing, talking, or enjoying my children. However just as anything else, people don't always have the same opinions I do. As I can respect the difference of opinion, not pertaining to this I can't. It plain just pisses me off.

There can be several reasons leading up to this whether it is a nasty breakup, the father being immature, work overload, living far away, addiction or a combination of anything. However one thing needs to remain in the minds of the parents of these children, regardless what happens between the two of you, your children are still your children and deserve the love and attention from both parents. It is not the childrens fault that the pair of you decided to bring them into this world, and it is only selfish and disgusting to make them suffer or to for one minute think that they are not loved by a parent.

Father absence has been shown to be a major disadvantage to the well being of children. The statistics of fatherless children are not only alarming but to me personally very disturbing. Does this mean that these kids are doomed to failure? I personally don't think that they are automatically future failures. I grew up without my biological father, not by anyone's choice but the good lord, I was raised by step fathers. While as an adult I respect their decision to parent us, they never could replace what I really wanted, my dad. I'm sure I fit into these statistics in one area or another, but not by choice. I fit into the "poor" area not because I'm lazy but because I solely support my children. I fit into the depression statistic because it's hard to handle 4 kids 24 hours a day 365 days a week, not to mention working to support them, on top of trying to better myself personally to give them a better life. While I don't doubt the studies, I do realize that there are reasons other than pure laziness or lack of desire to wanting to give your children all that they deserve.

So on to the statistics...


Children from fatherless homes are:

• 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,
• 6.6 times to become teen aged mothers (if they are girls, of course),
• 24.3 times more likely to run away,
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
• 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,
• 10.8 times more likely to commit rape,
• 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,
• 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.

Scary huh?

So fathers heres what you need to do to not only raise your children to be healthy, productive members of society.

• If you dont like their mother...So what. They are your kids take care of them. Not only financially but physically, emotionally.

• Dont refuse to see keep them on the weekend, especially if your weekends are used for nothing other than sitting on your ass on facebook, claiming that you have to work.

• When they ask you to spend time with them, do it. If they ask to spend the night, dont refuse them because your sitting on your ass on facebook.

• Be active in their life. If you do see them dont just sit on facebook. Do things with them. Ride a bike, read a book. 
• Don't miss their first day of kindergarten
• Don't refuse to watch them when their mother has to work just to be an ass and sit on facebook all night. They get more excitement out of you than they do a babysitter. Not to mention its easier and cheaper.
• Forget what happened between their mother and you, and all the anger you still carry and be an adult.
• It's never ok to push a crying kid off you that is begging you to take her with you. EVER.
• Your child is your child, act accordingly
• The hurt that you cause is more than likely irreversible. So quit screwing your child up because you are incapable of being an adult.
• GROW UP

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." ~~By Anne Sexton (1928-1974) U.S. poet.~~

 

 

 

How to be a good wife..

I know I know, my prince charming is stuck somewhere far far way probably with a flat tire or he's lost and to stubborn to ask for directions. So you ask, how is it that I have the information needed to tell someone how to be a good wife without actually being a wife. The answer is the internet. This is something that really sparks my interest because in today's society there aren't many relationships that last the true test of time. I often wonder what has changed from my great grandparents era to mine. Why it was that they lived the happily ever after. Of course from stories my grandmother has told me, it isn't a easy task and it takes work. So maybe it is that people just get lazy in their relationships. Maybe it's society, or the way we were raised, our values, our beliefs, or a combination of one or more of those things. I think this makes people scared of commitment, scared of the unknown. The true question is why don't we love like people used to love each other?

I've had plenty of time to prepare myself for my future husband, if he ever makes it to me. I've read scripture, self help books, stories, etc. I've always said when I get married it will be once, and it will be the man that god intended for me. So what better way to make sure I keep that promise to myself than to make sure that I can make him happy that he found me by knowing everything I possibly can. I've come across things that make me laugh audibly and things that make me ponder. This is some of the stuff that people from past and present have said on how to be a good wife.

These are taken from Home Economics book for High School Girls in preparation for marriage, I found some of these just plain funny.

1950's
Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-wary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax-unwind.
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
and last but not least
A good wife always knows her place.

1960's
Here is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60's.

When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train.

But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

Then the feminist movement came in the 70's, and the ladies that studied the above criteria so long and hard, were now faced with a rude awakening. Thus things changed, majorly changed.

This is the Modern Day wife's guide:

• Be sure he has good, easy to follow directions to the quality restaurants that deliver curbside. This way when he arrives home he’ll have exactly what he wants for dinner and it will be ready when he arrives and you get fed too. You can be a dear and call in the order. We know how he doesn’t like to do that.
• Prepare yourself…a good cocktail will work.
• Be a little gay (we now know this means happy) The cocktail will relax you and you’ll appear to be happy when he arrives
• Clear away clutter today this means turn the computer off and the tv on and kick stuff out of the way to make a straight path to the tv. That’s all he’ll notice.

Do I even need to continue? Doesn’t the love and respect for her husband just ooze out? Here’s a few more just to drive the point home…

• Be happy to see him.. This may take several cocktails.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him….more cocktails.
• Listen to him. This should be getting easy now after several cocktails.
• He’s coming home with a great dinner and if he’s late make sure he knows how to use the microwave to reheat; if he really comes home late and without dinner have your dinner delivered and eat without him (just be sure he pays for your dinner when he does get home). No need to try to understand his world of strain, you were out there all day too.

Tell me that if we followed those, that it wouldn't make your husbands happy. Just imagine yourself in a little June Cleaver skirt prancing around the house whistling a joyous tune. Probably not.

While the guides from early on aren't completely out of line, they are humorous. I believe the only guide that you can appropriately use for guiding your marriage and keeping your husband happy is that of the bible. Commands of the person that is in control of your relationship since you met your other half.

• An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. ... 

• However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

• Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 

• Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 

• But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

• He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. 

• But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 

• Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Walk together, not separately. Those who walk together will not divide. 

Making Tough Decisions

The one thing that I think that I have a lot of experience with is making tough decisions. Although I can not say that I have always made the right choices, I feel that I am getting better at certain ones as I go through this crazy life.

I often sit and reflect choices I've made and wonder how things could've been different or what could've or would've happened if I had only done one thing differently. I have stopped thinking this way. I now know that God carries me through these circumstances to teach me to be a stronger more serving person. My life hasn't been hard by any means. I struggle, I cry, I roll through the emotions of everyday life. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I feel like I can't go another day through the sufferings. But as the days pass it gets easier and I become more wise. It has made me the person that I am today. I feel that in turn I can have better relationships with people. I learn how to treat them, how to help them, how to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, a mother. I'm in constant search of the next best way to improve myself.

I often run into friends, family, co-workers that are suffering in some way or another. It is my nature to want to help, to have some kind word to speak to them to alleviate some of the pain or suffering that they are plagued with. I know the desire to want that breath of fresh air during a bad time, and I find myself trying to be that breath for others. These are my favorite quotes, questions, and the things that get me through my struggles. I hope that they will help you in any area that is weighing you down in your life.

QUOTES

"Fall seven times, stand up eight"- Japanese Proverb
"Strength and growth come only through continuous efforts and struggle"-Napoleon Hill
"My mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on."- Forest Gump
"If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! you have another chance. -Andrea Boydston
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go" -Herman Hesse

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

1. What am I waiting for?
2. What would I do if I weren't scared?
3. What steps would make things easier?
4. What would I do if I had all the time and money in the world?
5. What is the worst, and the best, that could happen?

Scripture

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

My favorite Link

http://lifecoachesblog.com/2006/02/04/9-keys-to-overcoming-difficult-times/

As in everything, I hope that this helps someone, someway going through a difficult time.