After the last cigarette..

Quitting smoking is something that I have thought about, and attempted to do for years. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is harder than four pregnancy's, four births, a lot of broken hearts, death. It is hard. The cigarette was there for me through all of my tough moments, and we undoubtedly became good friends.

When I was younger, cigarettes were cool. They were the thing that the kids and I hung out did. I started a very early age. Even though I am not that old, and my children will disagree, when i thought about it, I have been smoking for 15 years. Almost half my life. Every year I would notice that I was going to the doctor more and more for breathing related illnesses, bronchitis, chest colds, sinus infections, etc. It was a nasty addiction that I am not proud of. Its not a habit, its an ADDICTION. People who smoke are ADDICTS! Whether we want to call ourselves that or not, it is exactly what we are. My kids have begged me for years to quit. I am afraid to admit that when I've seen stories of parents who are addicted to drugs, and how their children are neglected when these parents chose the substance over the children. I judged them, I said mean things about them, I even called them bad parents. I've seen first hand how children are affected by someone who is addicted to a substance, whether being drugs or alcohol. I have yelled, cussed, cried, begged, pleaded, intervened, acted a complete fool begging him to quit because he was affecting the kids, and he was going to die, and how could he choose this over his children,  etc.  I was always so critical of these parents, thinking "how in the world can they continue to hurt their children over and over?" "How are these kids ever going to have a fighting chance to sit here (craving..breathing) become anything in the future when they're faced with this kind of childhood?" Well here's what I just realized. My kids were children of an addict. Fortunately for us, I was addicted to something that was legal. The drug of my choice.. tobacco. It is a drug that still hurt them (secondhand smoke), it is a drug that took away money from our household, and it is a drug that would eventually kill me. For whatever reason, I always rationalized it to make (craving...) it okay. Not anymore. 

Within the last few months, I have attempted to attempt to try to quit smoking. I went to the doctor for medication, I read articles. I set 3 or 4 quit dates. I started taking meds, stopped taking them. Always with an excuse on why I still continued to smoke. It ranged from being mad that insurance wouldn't cover my chantix RX, to kids stress me out, I forgot to take my medicine. You name it, I had an excuse for it. I dreaded going on field trips because I couldn't smoke, I almost missed my plane in NY because I had to go smoke. I dreaded any and everything that prevented me from having a cigarette at my own leisure. I was a slave to it. Completely and 100%. It ruled my life. It made me miss valuable memories and chances, just so I could walk somewhere and have my addiction fed. 

Tuesday morning, I noticed that I only had two cigarettes left. I was busy trying to take my Christmas decorations down, and didn't want to get dressed to go to the gas station. So I put it off and put it off. About the time I was ready for my last and final cigarette of the pack, I went to the living room and grabbed my purse. On the television was the show, " The Dr's". (big craving.............) I watched this clip here --->The Dr's 1//3/2012. It really grabbed my attention, and I felt like it was a sign. I had one cigarette left, no desire to go buy more, besides to feed my addiction to them, so I decided instead of setting some far off quit date, that I 'd more than likely smoke right through, I'd quit right after that last cigarette. Thus starting my new life as a non smoker. Like I had mentioned, I was ready, I felt like I really was. I hated everything about smoking, except for what it did for my body. It was my best friend. However like with fake friends, sometimes its better to just part ways. So to my little nasty "best friend" although I will have a hard time getting over you, I am completely done with you. Our relationship has ruined so much of my life, to much for me to ever get back. You will not control my future. You are nothing to me anymore. I have changed so many aspects of my life, and I am happy. Your the last thing that needs to leave my life so I can fully move on to my new one. Sayonara!

Here's how my path has went thus far.

Tuesday- Went from 10am-5pm with no smoking. Then went to my sisters house, who smokes, and bummed one from her. Went from 5pm Tuesday until 3pm Thursday with no cigarette. None, not one puff. I did breathing techniques, asked my dear to rub my neck, drank umpteen bottles of water  through straws (it really has helped me). I was hurting, I cried, begged, prayed for some kind of break from the cravings my body was experiencing. However, at hour 45, I was struggling the worst. I forgot things, and at multiple times in the day,I wasn't sure I could tell you what my name was. It was my first day back to work, and with a whole lot of stressors, I broke down. I took two puffs off a cigarette and vomited. I had the worst stomach ache. I was pissed off at myself for undoing 45 hours of not smoking. I was mad that I cracked, and that I let useless people be my excuse for doing so. I am accountable. I chose to break. However I have decided that I can choose not to break again. Ever since my self given ass whippin from breaking, I have not had the desire to smoke. Now don't get me wrong, I still have those tings of anxiety where I feel the need to go smoke, you can see the cravings I've had while typing this by seeing (craving.....). I however don't have the manipulating mind thoughts where Im so desperate that I will find someone or something or some reason to just smoke one. I'm no longer thinking about it. However my body reminds me still, but less and less, that it isn't yet free of the drug. But I for the first time will beat this. No matter what comes my way, I will chose to be a non smoker. I don't want to miss anymore memories. Especially since my life is now filled with the people that I want to make memories with.  Today is Friday and it has been about 50 hours since i decided to be a non smoker, and even though I had a minor setback, my only one...I will introduce  you to me, I'm Amber, the non smoker.